The Joy of Saying No

by Sandy Anker

At one point in my life I was so busy serving the Lord that I had no idea who He was. I had filled my days with committees, service, and study to the exclusion of spending time with Him. I am somewhat comforted that one of those closest to Jesus couldn’t quite get it straight either. Yes, I have born an unfortunate likeness to dear Martha, a woman running so fast to serve Jesus that she had no time to be with Him or others He had placed in her life.

At one time I had a terrible time saying the little word “No”. I have simultaneously been Christian Ed director at our church, led small group Bible studies, served on the nursery committee, taught Sunday school and Children’s Church, edited the church newsletter, etc. Somehow I thought merely being asked meant that I was supposed to say “yes”. Akin to my asking my son, “Will you please empty the trash?” The expected answer is, “Yes” not “I’ll pray about it”.

When did I wise up? When did I decide to choose the better portion? Frankly, I’m still learning the fine art of saying no. The process began with a minor case of burnout. The Martha in me just got weary. I was pooped from trying to balance a ridiculous amount of outside commitments and the normal demands of family life. One lesson I gleaned from my exhaustion is that I cannot do many things at the same time and do them all well. In fact, each one gets reduced to mediocrity.

I began to hear the number of times I said “not now” and “goodbye” to my children. The mediocrity I recognized in my other ministries had crept into my most important ministry: that of wife and mother. The realization that I was actually neglecting the primary ministry that God had placed in front of me was like a cold shower. He had given me two children and a husband that needed me in very special ways. I had what no one else could give them, yet I was squandering the time God had given me to serve Him through them by “serving Him” in ways He had never asked me to.

Not willing to be a mediocre wife or mother I knew I had to do something. The cost of constantly saying yes was just too high. I began to ask questions like “Who am I? “What am I to be about?” “What is my primary responsibility?” “Does God want me involved in this ministry?” “How will this impact my family?”

The Westminster confession contains a powerful little statement that answers where our primary responsibility lies. It says, “The chief end of man is to glorify God and to enjoy Him forever.” Wow, the most important “job” I have is to enjoy God! Everything we do in this life, from changing diapers to serving on outside ministries, is to arise out of this chief purpose.

So, do I say no to every outside commitment? Well, initially I did. Drunk with the power of the word I would shout like an overgrown two year old, “NO” when I heard the words “Sandy, would you. . .” Of course I was committing the same error on the other end of the spectrum. But God is patient.

Recently I received a phone call from a woman asking me to consider heading up a ministry at church. It was one I knew I could do well. I would be able to use that Master’s degree I had earned so many years ago. As my mouth was opening to answer, my caller said, “Don’t answer ‘yes’ or ‘no’ now, pray about it and when you hear from God let me know”. My mouth closed and I swallowed the yes forming on my lips. I did take time to pray and God did answer. He told me this was not the time for heading up anything, but that I could carry out short-term projects for this ministry. This was a decision based on reality, on His will for my life and not on the surface appearance of a perfect fit. All-or-nothing me would never have thought of this solution.

What God wants of me is to ask what HE thinks. After all, Jesus said He did nothing without checking with His father first. If JESUS, who is God, could take the time to pray, how much more important is it that I check in with the Father? How much simpler life becomes when we check with its author!

Ultimately what I do needs to be an extension of who I am. Who I am is a child of God. When I can rest in that I can say a resounding yes to saying no.

Sandy Anker is a wife, and homeschooling mother of four children, ranging in age from 2 to 14. As you can imagine, she has many opportunities to pratice saying no! When not shepherding her little flock, she relaxes with her new hobby, loom weaving.