Peace in our Home
(a few thoughts about discipline)

by Patti Brown

The following is an e-mail written in response to a mom on a homeschooling list who was feeling frustrated and sad because she and her husband were using increasingly negative methods to discipline their son. Several people on the list suggested I put my response up on my website, so here it is. :-)

I know well how hard it is, as a child grows and changes, and we have to run to catch up. I too have found myself in cycles that did not mesh with what I wanted and which produced unwanted effects in my child and how I felt about, well, just about everything! Getting into the habit of what I think of as negative parenting (meaning this is how I feel when I do it, and it seems this is my attitude... everything is negative) is not as hard as it seemed it could be when my first was a relatively compliant (though high-need) infant and toddler. They grow, they change, they become more demanding (as they should), we run to catch up... and then more children come along who grow and change and have different personalities and aaaaaaaaacccckkkkk!!!! :-)

You see I empathize.

So, I feel like first of all I want to say that 1) you're normal, and 2) what a loving and sensitive mother you are for recognizing the cycle and its possible cause, and wanting to find a peaceful (and hopeful!) solution!!

I would say the single most effective thing I have found to do is what I like to call catching my child in "the act of doing good". This may require quick thinking!!! For example, my son went through a period of being very rough with babies. The moment his hands touched a child, before he even had the chance to get some force behind them, I would say "I see Caeleb using his gentle hands". I observe his good behavior, not praise him or thank him for it, simply observe it out loud. When I am in a difficult period with a child, I will sometimes consciously decide to watch for something, ANYTHING, about that child that is positive, and observe it verbally in a quiet normal voice. The idea, I guess, is that this is not discipline in the old fashioned sense, this is trying to get the child on another track thinking about himself (mom too). It really works. Sometimes FAST.

Also, I am thinking of Charlotte Mason's approach to setting good habits. She recommended working on only one habit at a time. She thought habits were so important, they were worth putting other things aside to focus on. So this will probably be an intensive season of parenting for you, working on the habit of obedience, where you will find yourself working very hard and having to really be alert. It is okay to put aside other things in this season. You have an amazing responsibility... nurturing and guiding little people who someday (all too soon) will be big people, making a significant impact on many others.

I have found it very effective to talk frankly with my children about their behavior. Telling them how I feel about it, and why it violates not only our family's rules, but God's rules. For example, we tell our kids we expect them to obey us, just as we (Mom and Dad) are expected to obey God. We empathize that sometimes we don't understand why God tells us to do some things. It is our responsibility though, knowing that God loves us and is trustworthy, to obey. It may be hard, but we just have to do it. My son liked knowing that his toys had to obey him! ;-) We always tell him that he is welcome to discuss things with us because we respect his opinions, but he must first obey, then discuss, unless it would be dangerous for him to obey.

Another effective tool I have used is humor... putting on a silly voice and saying something like "Who haz captured my son and replaced him viz zees fierce lion?" Getting him engaged in some kind of make believe play has also gone a long way to helping him in several emotional areas, including overcoming various fears.

Yesterday, he had spilled crackers throughout the house, then stepped on some. I asked him to sweep them up and he whined and moaned (so far 6has been the age of whining here). So I snapped to attention and said "Captain Caeleb, this is your commander speaking, I have an important mission for you." I wouldn't proceed until he stood up straight and looked me in the eyes (I was his Space Commander after all). ;-) And I even made him say "Yes, Ma'am!" (which despite living in Texas we never do, but this was an unbelievably important secret mission!). Imagine my surprise when the "Yes, Ma'am" was the moment at which his attitude changed! He took his special tools (brush and dust pan) to find those dangerous rocks that soon would be leaking toxic fumes (aka crackers), only after running off to put on his (invisible) super hero suit and gas mask. That child did the best sweeping job he has ever done. Tonight I asked him to clear his place after dinner... when he was done, he ran back to me, snapped to attention and said "Next job?" After that one he ran back, "Job three?". Note: these requests had not been made by Space Commander Patti, just by Mama. I'm sure my eyes were wide as saucers! :-D

Sometimes I have found a link between physical issues and behavioral issues. Maybe too much not-so-healthy food, not enough time in the sunshine, a rough night's sleep, not enough water, etc. The idea of expansion and contraction that Waldorf thinking uses, is good to be aware of. I think of it kind of as an inside and an outside feeling. A lot of times when things get hairy, a change of scene does the trick. Generally for us that means going outside for a while, or in bad weather, just going somewhere else (maybe the library, or even another room in the house).

And then there are the times when a hug is what is needed most. I suppose this depends on the size of your child, but I know there have been times when my children have been "throwing a fit" and what they needed most was for me to hold them close until they calmed down. I like to think that's what God does with me when I am "throwing a fit" in prayer! He listens, lets me blow off steam, and holds me close until I am crying and relaxed and vulnerable to Him and His love again. It is a useful exercise to consider how God parents us, when we are trying to decide how to parent our children.

So I guess practically speaking:
1) observe his good behavior
2) know that it is worth taking the extra time and emotional effort to do what you are doing!!
3) talk about how you really feel and empathize to some extent
4) use humor and imaginary play
5) watch for physical cues, especially those times when transition is needed
6) turn on the hugs!

As I reread what I have written, I think it comes down to setting an environment in which it is easier to be "good". The child is in a place where he is respected and loved, where there are boundaries, where someone thinks he is worthwhile taking time for, where it is fun to be, and where his physical needs are met.

As far as YOUR sanity, four things:

1) When he is making you crazy, stop and say a quiet prayer of thanksgiving for something, anything, you can think of that you are thankful for about him. It's really cool when you get to the point that you are being thankful for the ways he is behaving that are negative, because God is showing you how he can use them (as an example of giving thanks for negative things, Caeleb recently had a very scary experience, for which we were able to give thanks, because we know that Caeleb overcoming his legitimate fear of this recurring will show God's glory in his life... only God has the power over this fear)

2) Sing, dance, praise God. This is my saving grace. When I am about to blow, I crank up the praise music and we all dance and sing at the top of our lungs in the living room. I'm sure I look like a lunatic the way I thrash sometimes, but it is better to get all that feeling out by dancing and singing to God!! :-)

3) Pray with him, or if he resists, pray for him, out loud. Pray for yourself, too, in front of your child. Be vulnerable. Be honest in your prayer. "Lord, we really need you. Things do not feel good in our house right now. Thank you for giving us to each other. Thank you for Timmy, and for his spirit of adventure and energy. I know you have a plan for his life. I am feeling frustrated right now because the house is such a mess. I am so thankful we have a house and all these wonderful things that are making this mess. You have given us so much. We need to take good care of what you have given us. Please help us to love each other the way you love us, and learn how to be servants to each other. And please help us clean up this great big mess!"

4) When you have a moment to yourself (anyone have one of these EVER??) pray for guidance, and look for scriptures that apply to your situation (a concordance is very helpful, or see if you can borrow a copy of _The Power of a Praying Parent_ by Stormie Omartian)

Hmmmm.... I guess that was really one thing... pray, pray, pray, pray! :-D

Oh, last thing, no way, it's not hopeless, not too late... you can do this, with God's help!! I truly believe it is God's will for families to be at peace, and He will help us find the way. It is yet another opportunity for us moms to lay it all down at the foot of the cross, 'cause I'll tell ya', the only way there'll be a path to peace in MY house is if the road maker is Jesus. I've tried my hand at building that road on my own and failed miserably.