Joyful Diligence...Learning to be Realistic

by Patti Brown

One of the greatest hindrances to joy in my life is unrealistic expectations. This applies to all areas of my life, but is most clear as a parent.

It started when my oldest was a baby, and wanted to nurse every 45 minutes. That wasn't exactly easy when he was a newborn. But when he was a year old, and still woke up to nurse every 45 minutes until I went to bed, then every two hours through the night, it was downright frustrating. I realized I had two choices. Either try to make him change, or to accept it.

Having the basic philosophy that there is a reason for a child to have such a strong need, I opted for the latter... to accept it. Now, accepting things does not mean enjoying them! So I still had a ways to go. I soon found myself expecting that he would nurse every 45 minutes, and when he didn't, I was pleasantly surprised. He would sleep even if I had the light on, so I used those long and frequent nursing sessions to read.

There would still be times when I resented his need to nurse, times like during a dinner party, when I would have to leave, and everyone else would be laughing and having a wonderful time around my kitchen table. In those moments, the most helpful thing was to be thankful.

I would lie there nursing him, sometimes with tears of frustration streaming down my face, praying aloud, “Thank you for this precious child, and for the privilege of nursing him. Thank you for this short time in our lives. Thank you for always answering my cries, and meeting me in my need.” I would continue to pray in this manner, and soon the heavy feeling would lift from my heart, and be replaced with overflowing love for my little boy.

This happened so many times, you would think that this lesson would have become a part of who I am! But no, over and over again I have run like a little mouse in a circle of frustration, having unrealistic expectations and forgetting to be thankful.

Our little ones make such incredible demands on us! They need every ounce of us sometimes, it seems. Having small children takes a great deal of physical energy, not to mention emotional! It is in these exhausting and amazing days that we somehow get reduced to our very essence. All pretense falls aside.

Sometimes I am not happy with what shows up in me! I find that anger is an emotion I contend with a lot more now that my children have taken my mask off. I’ve discovered that I am really quite impatient, and rather selfish as well!

Amazingly, however, when I readjust my expectations to be more realistic, many of these struggles fall away. The biggest piece of this puzzle for me is simply accepting reality. That may sound odd, but I think that often when we are frustrated it is because we have not tested our expectations against what is really possible.

I am a dreamer... I day dream, I night dream... my mind is constantly filled with new things to do and ways to do them. I am thankful for the creativity God has given me, but it is greatly tempered by my basically disorganized self. So often I have come up with wonderful ideas, then only been able to partially implement them because I was not realistic about my own limitations in getting things done!

When I was first being led to start writing “Living Joyfully”, I had so many ideas! I prayed about what the first topic would be... I had so many to choose from, I just couldn’t decide. I imagined it would be something general, something introductory. What a surprise when I felt God nudging me gently with the word “diligence”, a word I had not thought of at all. “Diligence?” I wondered. What on earth could I write about joyful diligence?

I often find it a useful springboard to look things up in the dictionary. So I looked up “diligence”, and according to Noah (as we affectionately refer to Mr. Webster in our house), diligence is “persevering application”. I looked up “persevere” to see if I could get further insight. “To persist in a state of counter influences, opposition or discouragement.”

Ahhh... yes. It became a little clearer. Persistence no matter what. Putting one foot in front of another. Baby steps, baby steps, baby steps, as FlyLady would say (http://www.flylady.net). Not only taking each step, but enjoying it.

There are some wonderful scriptures in the bible about perseverance:

“Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.” - James 1: 2-4

“We rejoice in the hope of the glory of God. Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us.” - Romans 5: 2-5

Paul’s words echo James’... suffering produces perseverance, perseverance produces character, and here’s where Paul takes it one step further, character produces HOPE!!!

And what is our hope?:

“This is a trustworthy saying and deserving of full acceptance... that we have put our hope in the living God, who is the Savior of all men, and especially of those who believe” - 1 Timothy 4:9-10

Hope, not only for the future, but for right now... hope in the LIVING God, who lives in us and remains with us. Who is there to answer our cries in the night, even if it is every 45 minutes, who meets our needs when we have them, and doesn’t hold us to a “developmentally appropriate” time table.

So here we are, five years later, and my second child is now one, and is nursing every 45 minutes, just like my first. Was I expecting it? Nope! Blind-sided me, and I’ve had to do some major adjusting in my ideas of what I can do when she is asleep, and how much sleep I need to get to compensate for having to wake up so often.

Frustrating? You bet! But being a joyful mother has nothing to do with circumstances. It’s about choosing joy, choosing to be thankful and hopeful, and willingly sacrificing our lives for our children. It means taking a huge step backward, to try to get a glimpse of God’s view, and aligning our priorities with His.

God has shown me my priorities, and in order they are:

1) Him!
2) my husband
3) my children
4) homeschooling
5) being keeper of my home

I am trying to have realistic expectations, and accept the blessings of this time in my life. I’m trying to be creative, coming up with different schedules, and new sleeping arrangements.

And I am trying to let go of what I think I “should” be doing, while embracing what I am called to do... be a fully present mother to my children. Our precious little ones grow quickly; this time with them is so short!

Dearest sisters, “Let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us. Let us fix our eyes on Jesus.” - Hebrews 12: 1.

May God bless you as you continue to train for the ultimate marathon!